Banished to Siberia at La Cenita

Meat Market rents must be high. That might explain the $29 duck burrito.

          A couple of saucy dames at the entrance to La Cenita take my measure and boot the three of us right to Siberia. How quickly Meat Market gatekeepers can remind you that you aren’t who you used to be. Less than a few wrinkles ago this was Abe and Arthur’s and I was welcome. But now the EMM group has rejiggered that all-American concept into a somewhat Mexican mold.

As even Siberia fills up, young women in cocktail-come-on dress arrive.

          I’ve come with a duo of stylish young women in the age demographic all marketers want. And yet…and yet…it’s as if we were Slobovian refugees. I panic as we’re led upstairs and then through one, two, three cozy little rooms to the farthest table against the back wall. It is quiet. I suppose I could exalt that we’d been saved from decibel torture below. But still, it’s lonely.

Pistachio and tomatillo make sense in guacamole but not pomegranate seeds.

          “Don’t you have a worse table for us?” I ask our escort from the welcome stand. She is tall and slim and incredibly beautiful. She looks at me blankly.

          “Is not good?” she asks in her limited English. If only she were a robot, she might be more responsive.

          “No, this table is too good for us,” I tell her. “Tell your boss up front, we don’t want this table.” She hands one of us a drink menu.

          “How about two menus?” I plead.

          Normally I devote BITE to a discovery, a worthwhile detour, a new spot that shows promise. I don’t want to waste my time or yours hatcheting a small earnest effort that doesn’t quite make it – either it will find its fans or disappear soon enough. It could even find inspiration and become delightful. But I thought my report might be a community service to discourage a mad rush to La Cenita.

Grilled fish taco is plump with mango and pistachio mole.

          We try for an alcoholic mellowing. I ask for guacamole with our drinks. There’s nothing wrong with “Anything Yuzu,” except that it costs $17. I don’t mind tomatillo and Iranian pistachios in my guacamole. (The house has a head start on the ending of the Iranian embargo. Is that what makes it a $14 guac?) I just don’t understand pomegranate seeds. Still, the chips are satisfyingly salty and I’m hungry, so I dip along the edges of the polka-dotted terroir to avoid the seeds.

          A waitress hands us menus and stands ready to take our order. “Give us a few minutes,” says my companion. If only the kitchen were merely slow and not also fogged over. After a long pause, a couple of bussers appear and cover the table with starters and middles. Definitely a misunderstanding.

Roasted corn cut from the cob with cotija cheese and chile is elegant.

          Some of the food isn’t bad but it’s not very good. Fried artichokes with Serrano chile yogurt are not quite hot enough and mostly greasy leaves. Hamachi with habanero, gooseberry and chile oil is just another crudo. Esquites, roasted corn with Mexican cheese and chile, usually a marvelous mess to eat off the cob is a tad restrained but still mighty fine in a bowl.

          A big table of traders lope in and settle in the next room. Suddenly at our cell under the air conditioner and amplifier, it’s noisier, louder, colder and darker.

 We should have asked for soft corn tacos instead of soggy flour wrappers.

          Things seem to be going our way when we discover that tacos come three to a portion. But even ABC Cocina’s not-quite-authentic tacos are infinitely better. I find myself longing for April Bloomfield’s fancies at Salvation Taco. Surprise! Short rib tacos with raisin, queso fresco and crema, listed under “Crunchy” for fried, are luscious, but no bigger than a half dollar. As one critic wrote, “If you’re a model or gerbil, La Cenita might become your Mexican go-to.”

Could these crisp fried short ribs be smaller? Good for models and gerbils.

          It will not become mine obviously, even though the $29 duck enchilada primed with cheese and crema too, is actually quite good. If you liked Akhtar Nawab’s cooking at Elettaria – I didn’t – and Esquina before that -- don’t pay attention to me.

          409 West 14th Street between Ninth and 10th Avenues. 646 289 3930. Sunday and Monday 6 to 9:30 pm, Tuesday and Wednesday 6 to 11 pm. Thursday through Saturday 6 pm to 1 am.