July 1, 2014 | Short Order

 Teeth-Gritting Greetings for Guests from Hell

          No I didn’t realize you were babysitting your daughters’ adorable twins who are allergic to nuts, dander and gluten. Of course you can remove my beautiful objets d’art from all flat surfaces.

          Tell me again what exactly you can eat on this diet?

          I don’t remember you mentioning anything about bringing the cats? But no problem, my silly old hyper allergic husband can go to a movie.

          Did someone eat half the rhubarb pie for breakfast while I was out picking up the lobsters?

          How adorable of you to bring us a complete collection of toiletries from all your benefit swag bags.

          Does anyone here think Ginger is passive-aggressive? Ted, we know you’re just teasing. But since we have a lull in the conversation anyway, why don’t you two just keep attacking each other.

          I know how much you admire my new $30,000 bonded-teeth. Is that why you brought the bacon-caramel-taffy? 

          I think it’s wonderful that you two lovers are so hot you can’t keep your hands off each other under the table.

          I think your box Red wine from Target will be fun with the fish course. Just put it down on the sideboard next to our Chambolle Musigny.
 
          Of course I’m not upset that your husband sneaked into the au pair’s bedroom. She’s been so lonely.

          I thought you said you were bringing two houseguests but no bother…we’ll just squeeze in a few more chairs.

          Hope I didn’t scare you with no makeup and my hair in rollers. You were so smart to come three hours early to avoid the worst traffic.


This essay first appeared in Plum Magazine in June 2011.



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